I know. I don’t.
No. Not a thing. Not an inkling of the idea behind motion, direction of my life. Not a slightest hint of what’s on the other side. Just constant coercion, and getting irresistibly tempted to dive in the deep sea of obscurity, to find the pearly hope of self-fulfilment. Can I do it? Can I? Or may be? Bah!!
I can see my coffee getting cold, losing its aroma (and its significance), rapidly turning into cold juice of coffee-beans every time I indulge myself into this thought of ‘future-perfect tense’. Our Present, I believe is what our Past leads us to. Our Future will be the picture that our Present tries to paint. Thus, i need to respond sensibly (present) to my choice of taking up English Literature (past) to realise what I might possibly be doing by the end of three years (future).
Literature has been the angel to lead me through the ethereal Forest of Arden- magical, woods, dark and ever broader than my scheme of imagination. To all the “Literature! Isn’t that a complete waste?”, “Will literature get you a job?” type questions, I have and will always stand fortified. “I’m not studying for a job. I’m studying to get solace, comfort from all the school-education I have acquired. I’m tired of taking down burette readings. I need something deeper that reassures my existence, tells me what I am good at. If not at writing, I shall be good at understanding things”.
Bold then. A broke now.
I don’t know how to put these ridiculously broken pieces together, because every time I try to pick them up, I get excessively teary-eyed at their very sight, and pieces strew out again, because everything gets blur before my eyes. I grin at myself, pity at my coffee, pick up a new book, breathe and start my new moment.
Lately, D suggests me to switch to milkshakes and doughnuts, instead of coffee, if not possibly change my reason for worrying so much. Her idea, kind of works! My doughnuts rest happily beside my computer, smiling at me, and milkshake can wait for three more minutes until I finish writing this post.
Scholarships could only be looked up for once I’m clear headed about myself.
*takes a bite from doughnut*